Wow, it has been ages since I have been able to blog. I guess that shows how busy life has gotten. Since my last blog, I have been a full-time missionary here in Colombia for almost two years. Many of you reading this receive my newsletters, follow me on social media, or we catch up over messaging or Skype. But this time I want to write something a little different. This time I'm writing this just as Megan. Just me being real (hence the title...sorry guys...I couldn't think of anything more clever). So here is goes.
Today has been hard. I know, that isn't the way we like to start off any public post. Usually it starts off with how great everything is going and then sharing a picture of our smiling face in this cool place to show how adventurous we are (guilty...). But today I just want to put that all aside and speak from my heart. "Why?" you may ask. Well, I have two reasons. One is for myself, because one day I want to look back at this blog and remember all the emotions I am feeling. Two, because I want people to know the truth. I want people to see a glimpse of what it's actually like being a full-time missionary. When I said "Yes" to God calling me to be a full-time missionary, I vowed to myself that I wanted to be real. If someone asks me what it is like I never want to lie or hide some of the less glamorous parts. I want to share all of it.
Today is not the first day that it's been hard. But today is the first day that I want to share about it. Trust me, I've wanted to tell you about it before. I just would always talk myself out of it. "Megan, you're going to look weak" "Megan, people are praying for you and supporting you to share the gospel, not hear about how hard it is" "Megan, you have nothing to complain about. People all around you have it much worse". These are just a few examples of the thoughts that have swirled around in my head. But this time another thought popped into my head. "Megan, what if you share this and it helps someone else?" "What if by sharing this some else has the courage to be real too?" "What if by sharing this someone gets a realistic perspective on missions and doesn't think it's just butterflies and rainbows 100% of the time?"
Today I felt alone. Yes, imagine that? A missionary feeling lonely. Why is that so hard for me to admit? I feel tired. Yes, imagine that? A missionary feeling tired. Why is that so hard for me to admit?
For some reason I feel like I need to be on my best game 90% of the time. Why? Because my disciples are watching? Because my team is counting on me? Because alone and tired should not be in a missionary's vocabulary?
I honestly don't know why. But this standard is only coming from me, and me alone.
The reality is, days when I feel tired and alone are days where I feel weak. I long to see my family and friends. I miss them so stinkin' much. I miss my home church. I miss worshiping in English, getting fired up by the sermon, and going to have lunch with my friends afterwards. I miss cuddling up on the couch with my sister and mom and watching a movie together. I miss going for a walk outside--not having to look in all directions to see if I'm being followed, if there's any dangerous people around, or the danger of someone finding out that I'm american. I miss talking on the phone with friends and family while I'm running errands--once again, it's too dangerous to have my phone out and risk someone hearing me talk in English. I miss goofing around and laughing in public with my crazy friends. I miss the hugs I get from my grandma and grandpa, for no other reason but to show how much we love each other. I miss driving in my car, rolling down the windows, and singing. I miss going out with my friends at night--because here once it's dark it's not safe and I need to be inside with the doors locked.
But do you know what made me even more sad today as I started listing off all the things I miss about the States? The sad thing is, is that I am creating a whole new list of things I'm going to miss the longer I stay here. The truth of the matter is, being a full-time missionary means I will continue to have to say goodbye. Leaving Colombia one day means that my mission here will be complete and that God is calling me to continue making disciples somewhere else. Am I excited about the next country that God will call me to? YES. Because that means my family will expand that much more. But the thought of saying goodbye to the family God has given me here...now that part hurts.
One thing I've learned this past year is that saying "Yes" and accepting God's call to be a full-time missionary is also saying "Yes" to the hard things. Yes, I get to share the gospel almost everyday, watch people's lives be transformed by God, and celebrate as new people accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. But I also say "Yes" to being away from my family and friends everyday, missing out on social events (such as best friends' weddings, friends/family having babies, fun family get together's, etc), and often times choosing to be alone.
Often times we hear the word "missionary" and think of the traveling, radical living for Christ, and living an adventurous life outside of the comfort zone. But what about the word "sacrifice"? I think all our faces went from :) .....to.... :O
We get all pumped about missions but then when it comes addressing sacrifice we shy away from that and start talking about all the positives.
Please don't get me wrong, there are SO MANY positives that outweigh the negatives. I mean clearly, or why else would I be doing what I am doing? But the fact of the matter is, is that there is SACRIFICE. But sacrifice is a choice. No one is making you say "Yes" to it. You are voluntarily saying "Yes", I know the good, the bad, and the in between that comes with this "Yes"...and I am still saying "Yes".
I knew that saying "Yes" to missions 4 years ago was just the beginning. In 4 more years all I know is that I will still be a full-time missionary. Where? You may ask. Well, as of now, only God knows. I'm sure 4 years from now I will have said goodbye 1,000 more times, and I'm sure it will still be just as hard. I'm sure I'll have even more family around the world creating more lists of the things I will miss. I'll still have hard days of feeling lonely and tired. I'm sure I'll have more days where I'm crying and praying to God to help me cope with all the emotions I'm feeling all at once. More days of me praying to God to help prepare me to let go once again and begin the process of being somewhere new.
But on days like today, the Lord dries my tears and gets me through. He comforts me, as He is the only one who understands. And my answer is still, "Yes". When my days are fantastic....when my days are challenging....my answer will remain, "Yes". Is it easy? No. Will leaving one place to share the gospel in another get easier? Probably not. Will there be days when I'm exploding with joy? Absolutely. Will there be days when I'm sprinting in the airport to be reunited with my loved ones? I'm sure of it. Will there be days when I am lost for words and all I can do is cry because I'm not sure when I'll see this person again? Without a doubt.
This is what my "Yes" looks like. Our "Yes" maybe doesn't look the same, but if you are a person saying "Yes" to the Lord, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being obedient. It's not easy. Keep running to the Lord whether you're having a great day or a hard day. Keep your head up on the hard days because tomorrow is a new day. Keep saying "Yes" because I promise you God's plans for you will never leave you in regret.
To God All Praise and Glory,
Megan
